Photo by Cathleen Gorski- via talisa_xxox instagram story
Saturday morning personal training session with Mark The Trainer- Personal Trainer for EQINOX
Healing, what is it?! I could give you the textbook definition of what it means to heal, but everyone heals in different ways. My healing was essentially coping.I realised that the only way I would be able to heal was to hold on to hope and coping with my issues by taking advice and getting help even
when I did not want to. Easy right, nope not at all. I was a ticking time bomb I would take my angry and frustrations out on anyone that wanted to help me. But coping, hope, and asking for help really opened my eyes to show me that relapsing with my eating disorder was not a way to cope with my issues I'm essentially only hurting myself and no one else. My healing process didn't come about until about 2015- toward the end! The new year was approaching and I was headed to end St Barth with my family to end 2015 with a bang. At the time I was under 115 lbs I remember my mum having this worried expression on her face like I could of died in that instance she had no idea what I was dealing with at the time, she didn't know I had relapsed and I did not want her to know. It was not until I went home to New York and one of my friends confronted me about my behaviours and she told me if I did continue with my recovery she was going to basically let my mum know what was going on. It was in that moment that I knew I had to get it together.
It's now 2016, and I'm contemplating what I was going to do, to start off the new year I was shown tough love by one of my best friends and she didn't give a damn that she was being cold with me. Now, looking back on that moment with her, I'm so glad she did what she did. She knew I needed to continue with my recovery I had come to far to give up. I remember I called back my therapist and made an appointment with her. We had a long session about what I needed to do in order to be happy and one of them was continuing to see her. She is everything, I own my life to her and my awesome life coach Gabe! Gabe put everything in perspective and made me realise that pushing everyone that is trying to help me is no the way good in recovering. It was then when he was the most stern with me that I had to get it together. I am a very private person, I know that a lot of you are going to be shocked when you read this, but I essentially am sharing this with you because last year, there was a period in my life where I felt like the world was coming down on me. My old habits of purging and not eating and wanting to pleasing everyone came back. Being prefect is something I still deal with. I want to be the perfect daughter, student, friend, and significant other. I would skip meetings with my nutritionist, therapist, my life coach and personal trainer. Trust me it was bad and not only did I not care it was to the point where I found my losing a lot of my friendships. I would cry in silence and deal with it the best way I knew possible purging and not eating. It not one in my house knew because I would wait to do it when no one was house. Just like how I use to do when I was in high school.
It's now 2017 and I that's when everything changed and I back one positive vibe with my life and health. Taking everything one step at a time and making myself happy. I made some big changes. I found a new job, working at a gym. Did I just say that yes I did all thanks to my personal trainer Mark. I became the assistant general manager and I was also the director of the kids club. It was the most fun job ever. I loved my job and everything that I was doing. I had a new attitude for 2017 than I had for 2016. I started to take interest in a lot things that I never thought I would be interested in and I also started some old things that I never thought I would bring back. If you guessed right, yes KLASSICTBABY was definitely one of them. I started to bake again, something I loved to do. Even though I was dealing with a eating disorder I still enjoyed baking and making other people happy with the sweet treats that I made. Baking has always been therapeutic for me. During this time I found out that I also have issues with anxiety and panic attacks. So we came up with a way to help me with my anxieties and panic attacks. I've always wanted to learn how to knit. One of good friends enjoys knitting and I asked her if she could teach me to knit she agreed and now I love it. Reading as always been something I love to do. Reading has always been something that is therapeutic for me. Because I was bullied from childhood to my teen years books were really my only friends because I was in my own little world. I also found music to be therapeutic as well of course being a product of the late 80's and growing up in the 90's you better believe I was Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC fan!!!!!! Yeahhhhhh!!!!!!! I decided that now I am on a road to recovery I going to do thinks that make me happy. Once I started working for EQINOX more opportunities came my way. The new changes helped me stay sane and they still do but now I have built a brand. That I can 100 percent say I am so grateful for and proud of.
Now I will tell you how the power of fitness and Proteinworld became my savior. Proteinworld has been AMAZING to me for the last 2 years . I received the kit for Chuankah from my favourite person in the whole wide world. In, 2017 I started some new changes for my wellness.I decided to go semi vegan- when i say this i mean that i am still going to eat meat and incorporating vegan products & try something new. I’ll admit that it was hard in the beginning, but life’s a journey and in your journey there will be bumps in the road. I’m taking on this challenge and not giving up. I’m taking the necessary steps to help me through eating disorder recovery. The semi vegan life has been great so far and going to the gym and working out with my amazing trainer. Doing everything right in 2017 had been amazing. Even though I have a slender and nice body, I have always been self conscious of how skinny and wanting to gain weight. I am and now I see the changes with eating right, working out, and using my Proteinworld to help build up the muscle mass in my gluteus maximus and build up my muscle mass in general. My best friends and I were talking about how far we’ve come with our fitness goals for 2017. ALL OUR THANK YOU’S goes to Equinox for keeping us so fit. And THANK THE HEAVENS FOR MY TRAINER- Mark The Trainer- YOU THE BOMB. we all have come far and are so excited for summer and to show off our hard work and dedication to a healthy lifestyle. To me it's always great to have good friends there with you when you’re doing something to better yourself, motivation and dedication was the key. I am not saying that I don't love myself, I do! But I have been wanting to change my somethings in my life for a long time and was able to have my best friends by my side there with me, who have the same determination, dedication, drive, and strive to exercising and eating healthy. It's so important to love the skin your in, but also learning how to have a healthy lifestyle.
My hope is posting in this is to tell you that self love is best kind of love. Never take your body for granted you only have one! Remember that National Eating Disorder Awareness Month is right around the a corner if you are dealing with an eating disorder- there are plenty of resources out there- its time to take your life back. I'm not ashamed- to say that I am and I am not glamorising eating disorders either. No one should never glamourise eating disorders. I know I don't, I am extremely sensitive when I hear others who glamorise eating disorders it something that is mental illness and not one person should be made fun for it. I was bullied that's what caused my eating disorder. I was made fun of for being too skinny so it caused me to eat even more then I was bullied for eating too
much and from there my eating disorder developed. But look at me now I am doing everything right
to make myself better. And when I look at all the kids that made fun of me it made e realise that they were dealing with their own insecurities and they took it out on me because they knew how vulnerable I was. But I am happy that's all that matter and I am sharing with you because I hope this can help someone else. Look at the many aspects of how I am dealing with my recovery.